Are you in <3? Then You Look Terrible!
My roommate looks awful. And I couldn’t be more thrilled.
My roommate (male/good looking/straight) is pretty much the best human being alive. We have been living together for 5 months and it’s been domestic bliss as far as guy/girl roommates situations can go. He does the dishes and takes out the trash, I do the vacuuming and the dusting. Our home is clean, happy, and mostly decorated. We have an adorable Sunday ritual of going to the bad part of town and getting Blizzard from Dairy Queen. My pet is beyond elated because he has two doting humans that cater to his every whim. That whim being shitting and peeing. Our only “issue” is his choice in television. It’s really deplorable but that’s not the issue of this post but don’t worry it will be!
A few months back I shared with roomie that I had a crush on a boy and wanted his opinion to see if said boy liked me back. Turns out, he did! We began a very adorable courtship that blossomed quickly into an even cuter boyfriend/girlfriend situation. I am happy to report that we are still dating, still happy, still vomit inducing cute! But during the beginning of our romance, I happened to look pretty much awful despite being really happy in ALL AREAS of my life. Why?
The first few weeks of dating someone you like and can’t get enough of are the best for your soul but the worst for your looks. You desperately try to keep your normal routine and try to work in a healthy balance of seeing this new person. Evenings usually start after 830 because both of you REALLY want to remain independent but you go and eat a full on meal with apps and zerts. Sometimes you even go somewhere else for zerts! And then you go home to “watch a movie” and suck face with Paul Rudd being zany in the background. Then an overnight invitation is extended where you dry hump all night. It’s the best! But the worst! Because you wake up sexually frustrated looking like a zombie in luuuuuuuuurve. When you REALLY like this person, this can go on for a few weeks until you have to practically scream “ Penetrate because my thighs are bruised and I got caught napping at work!” And then eventually, you look good because you are deep in like, getting laid . There is a bone glow and no amount of NARS can actually replicate it.
During the first 4-6 weeks of dating my new boo, my roommate was an ASSHOLE. Every few mornings I would walk to the kitchen in my disgusting Victoria’ Secret (HOW DID ERIN HEATHERON MAKE IT LOOK SO SEXY IN THE CHRISTMAS CATALOG!!!???) with disheveled hair and a nice grey undertone to my skin and he would look at me and go “Oof. You look FALAFEL.” And every time I’d resist the urge to want to stab him to death. I look miserable because I am happy in the romantic part of my life! He was really relentless. I kinda thought about switching his Moroccan Oil with olive oil because it was just so stinking mean. I think he even mentioned the fact I was getting a little date fat because he kept asking when I was working out. But I was happy IN THAT PART OF MY LIFE.
Eventually I started to sleep and workout again and had to meet a friend at the Loon (yes, I still go there! I know, embarrassing!) because her bebe sis had moved to town and I was invited to help welcome her. Last minute, I asked roomie if he wanted to go and he begrudgingly came along. Him and the big sister began to shamelessly flirt. Then they went to dinner the next night. And then lunch the next day. And so on and so forth. Roomie had a giiiiiirlfriend!!! I was seeing less of him at home which meant less Basketball Wives but it was for a good reason. He met a nice girl and is happy and has suddenly started drinking beer (ack!). Ergo, he looks TERRIBLE.
Date weight, bags under his eyes, and not so meticulously groomed brows because he spends all day and night pining and dining and coveting his new lady love. One time I came home from vacation and there was a double fudge Heath in our fridge he’d been picking on for days because his lady was out of town. A CAKE. And now that I am comfortable in my schedule/relationship I look fairly healthy and use absolutely ANY and EVERY opportunity to torment my lovesick roommate about his new look. My favorite was when he strolled in after a particularly love filled weekend with a bag of McDonalds under his arms and two potato sacks under his eyes and I snuggled up and spritely with my boo on the couch just screamed: “Wow you look like shit!” It’s mean. But it’s me!
For the record, I have always thought his girlfriend is a looker as she’s been a friend of mine for years but she’s never looked better.